I feel like the Sun-Times and the RedEye let me down today: no reason to make the latest high profile athlete decadence your feature story--Cedric Benson getting hauled in for alleged drunken boating--if you can't do any better than BENSON IN HOT WATER or TROUBLED WATERS.

Hmm. SALT WATER AND PEPPER SPRAY? Nah, it was on a lake. WHAT WILL THEY DO WITH THE DRUNKEN SAILOR? If he gets convicted, that has to be the headline. How about: THE CONSTABLE HAD TO COME AND TAKE HIM AWAY.